spider sex

Something happened recently, that I have wanted to comment on and have, as usual, been afraid to speak of. It always seems that putting something in writing is a jinx. I don't want to jinx this.
For the first time in two plus years of singleton-dom I really feel that I have found something that may work. I'm almost sure because I don't feel crazy or anxious or paranoid. Of course, I still haven't added him to my phone's contacts, because that is just plain bad luck!
The fact is, even if this goes nowhere it was very significant and I want to write it down.
I met this guy through a dating website, NOT Craig's List. So we exchanged a few emails and decided to meet. We hang out for a while at this bar and it's going pretty good; I'm liking him so I'm nervous, talking a mile a minute etc...It's getting late (for him, early riser!) so we leave. He walks me to my car and gives me a kiss. Now, this is the important part. It was the ( he just sent me a text. so completely distracting) first time in recent memory, or possibly ever, that I have been kissed like that. Just a kiss. Soft, gentle, closed mouth. He didn't try to grope me or stick his tongue down my throat. What's even better is that when I turned to get in my car he held my arm, softly not grabby, and kissed me three more times. Each time with slightly more feeling. Still keeping things discreet, no tongue no roaming hands. It turned me on more than I can stand. Just thinking about it now makes me weak kneed. This was on July 1st.
So, I could think about the kiss a lot more, but what I want to write about is what it means to me. The fact that I can't recall being kissed with that kind of respect really gets to me. It has made me consider what impression I give that guys will assume they can just jump right into deep kissing. Sure there have been times when, usually after meeting someone at a bar, I guess the assumption would be natural on their part. And I will admit that I have never resisted it.
I am so distracted. Sorry, it's really early, didn't get much sleep last night. need to go back to bed. I can't seem to make one thought follow another in a coherent manner. I will post now and hopefully come back when I am more alert and centered.

Here I am, in the same place I always seem to be. I met this guy, he seems really great. I could totally go for him. I find it so hard to wait and see. I have to know nowif this is going to last. I guess I'm just impatient. I really want a boyfriend. I just want to go to dinner and movies with someone cute. Hold my hand as we walk down the street together.
He is more together than almost any of the guys I've dated lately. Has his own business. Manages the building where he lives. Loves animals. Plus he's super cute.
I was not planning on going to bed with him. But as soon as we started talking I couldn't think of anything else. I just looked at him and wished would kiss me. I can barely talk to him. Hes interesting, but I get so stupid. So we did the deed. A lot. He immediately took over the mumber one place in my ranking. I've never been so satisfied. My only complaint; it was almost too much. ;)And he's a bit of a sloppy kisser. But it was like perfect synchronicity he did everything I wanted of could dream of wanting without being asked. Plus, he didn't try to get in my but. Which all guys seem to want nowadays. ( not that he could, can I just say Magnum!)
So, I've seen him two times. Its way early to be thinking of the future. But I can't wait to see him again.
I forgot to mention. I met him through craigs list. I posted an ad to which he responded. I almost didn't reply to him. The picture looked good, but he didn't seem to have much to say. I gave in though, because he has close buzzed hair, which I love.
I guess even if it ends up being hookups it'll be worthwhile. But honestly I want more.
Funy thing; just before I met him I reconected with a good friend from high school. Whilst in HS I dated a boy with the same name as this one. Not a terribly common name either. As usual I can't help finding meaning in coincidence.
I want a boyfriend for my birthday. I'm planning on having a little cocktail party and want a co-host!!!!!

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

So. Strangely enough after yesterdays post I get an email today from the Subject. A load of crap ,I have to say. My immediate reaction: anger and disgust. Honestly! Do these freaks really mean it when they say "stay friends"? I've already covered this. We were never friends. He closes by writing " I hope I can see you again soon" a few weeks ago and that phrase would make me so happy, now all I can think is "gee. I didn't realize you had a death wish". Sure I'd love to see you. Crawling on yer hands and knees and begging me for mercy.
Now I suppose I must respond nicely to keep the impression that I'm not hurt or distressed at all. He wrote "you're a girl with a lot of class" , well I sure can act like that! Does of bear mentioning that he has none?

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Hmmm really just trying out this new app. I downloaded it last night because I thought I had something important to say, but I forgot what it was. Probably some new insight to why men Suck! I did have an flash re: the latest travesty today. Because he didn't give me a REAL reason, just the old "not feeling IT", I have to assume that something material occurred to occasion his sudden turn around in feelings. I get the he's not that into you thing. After one or two dates, sure. Ah! Fuck it! No more. I'm done. Done and on to the next one. He is not; and sadly, was not worth my time. Maybe Cosmo is right, I need to go on a man diet til I can figure out What I Want.

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Some things are just making me so tired! I know and understand that not every relationship will work. Fine. But I am so over the lack of manners and good form.
Number One offense: Breaking up over e Mail. This is only acceptable if the entire relationship has taken place over email. If you have been physical with a person, you Must call. If you've got the balls to fuck a person have the balls to call. You are avoiding your responsibility and having bad manners. Yes, fading out with no explanation is worse, but that's no excuse. Grow a pair!
Number Two: Asking for a phone number you have no intention of calling. Really this is just lying. Very bad. If you don't want to to commit to at least one more date/hookup and feel the need to seem nicer than you are, just leave your number. Girls wont call you. We are well trained. We just met you too, assuming this was a hookup, we probably don't expect you to call, but if you ask for our number we will. Also, after one date, don't say you'll call if you don't mean to. Just be honest. God, it's not that hard. The Truth will out...it's better just to get it over with. You are just adding a period of confusion and uncertainty to the likely hurt you will cause.
And yes, you will cause hurt. We will hurt you when we reject you! IT happens. Life is pain. Pain is growth. You can't avoid causing some pain, but try to minimize it.
Three: Please, don't say we can stay friends! You've likely just hurt us profoundly by rejecting us. We don't want to be friends with you. We weren't friends to begin with...how can we stay friends? And if you've committed any of the above offenses we are sure you aren't worthy of any more of our time or affection.

I just want to remember these things. I hope I will not forget and transgress these rules. I don't update, because I am too superstitious about the effect of talk on the outcome of relationships. but I fear my forgetfulness and repeating mistakes.

I don't want my heart to harden and I don't want my world to become smaller and colder. It will hurt every time more and more but I don't want to learn. I wouldn't be able to enjoy the ups without the downs. That is not to say that I want the pain. I think that I am trying to say that I am willing to take the risk."Fools rush in, where wise men fear to go, but wise men never fall in love, so how are they to know?"

Well, once again I find myself holding the short end of the stick. Not finding myself too hurt this time though. All the hurt came during the short period of the "relationship" and not hurt so much as anxiety. To everyone who told me so, kudos to you. You were right and I KNEW at the time that you were right...but I was just so ready for something to work out that I was willing to (and even intentionally did) overlook glaringly obvious warning signs. When you are starving any food tastes great. What can I say, and I really think that he has some great aspects to his personality, just the less great aspects are really not great... Maybe when he works through his current emotional disability he will have another 2-3 year relationship with a girl at least 5 years younger that will end with another broken heart for him because he will surely be dumped. I can't imagine any other outcome. How could anyone put up with that level of self involvement for long?(yes, this is sour grapes...i'm not perfect ok!I I have to admit that a Huge part of why I wanted to be with him was the way that he validated my feelings of self worth based on physical attractiveness. He thought I am hot and since I felt the same way about him there was a great deal of gratification there. I knew him about ten years ago when we worked together at the music store, and for him to look me up at this time and get together with me and tell me that he had nurtured a "crush" for me all those years ago was very ego-boosting. As for why I had to force it through this slow death until he was obliged to kill it out of mercy (i suppose) I don't really know. I can take NO for an answer, but Maybe sounds a lot like Yes to me. On that topic I would like to table a motion for a new rule; once you have had sex ith someone it is no longer required that you be "polite"If you don't want to see someone agawin don't return their call, or just say it plainly. I will plead guilty to having broken this recently, but I will sue for leniency based on the fact that I did not return the phone call only the text, and I was not totally sure I wanted to break contact (plus the person in question is not relationship material but rather just a "fuck buddy")

It has been so long, journaling is one of those things that gets harder and harder to do the longer you don't do it. I feel that I have had so many excitements and disappointments over the past year and actually wrote about them even when they were really insignificant...if I now write about something that may be truly meaningful won't I reduce it's meaning? I'm also afraid of thinking or writing ( yes I just typed writhing. Freudian typing slip?) about them too much. Then again, if the thing does become truly meaningful won't I regret not having noted its beginning and each moment of its ripening? I was reading an article about the psycho- and physio-logical effects of "love" and one is a serotonin drop which leads to an increase in obssesive compulsive behavior especially in relation to the "love interest". Yeah.

In other news, I am going on a luxury cruise in November. For 16 days at sea, for free too. But it is "work"

My Personality

Neuroticism	89
Extraversion	27
Openness to Experience	61
Agreeableness	11
Conscientiousness	41

You tend to lack energy and have difficult initiating activities, however you are sensitive about what others think of you. Your concern about rejection and ridicule cause you to feel shy and uncomfortable around others. You are easily embarrassed and often feel ashamed. Your fears that others will criticize or make fun of you are exaggerated and unrealistic, but your awkwardness and discomfort may make these fears a self-fulfilling prophecy. People generally perceive you as distant and reserved, and you do not usually reach out to others. You tend not to express your emotions openly and are sometimes not even aware of your own feelings. You will help others if they are in need. If people ask for too much of your time you feel that they are imposing on you, however you generally see others as selfish, devious, and sometimes potentially dangerous. You strive hard to achieve excellence. Your drive to be recognized as successful keeps you on track toward your lofty goals. You often have a strong sense of direction in life, but may sometimes be too single-minded and obsessed with your work.

Take a Personality Test now or view the full Personality Report. The best Buying Pet Gifts.

I have had the best Saturday ever. I know I haven't posted in a long time and so much has happened between then and now, but the only important thing is this: I had a date today. With a boy I really like. And I think we really "clicked". RightMike. Let me tell you, I don't think I have had what you would call a date since...high school. So this was really special. We had planned to do something for a month; because circumstances got in the way our original plans were scuttled, but we ended up going for a late lunch of sushi and kirin!!! Because the restaurant I had originally suggested is not open for lunch we drove around Torrance and Gardena, went into a Shabu-shabu place then left that for a sushi place on the Redondo Beach Pier. Conversation was really good, no uncomfortable silences. We have SO MUCH in common. We are both huge geeks and talked about our geekiness.... I would be happy to have anyone to whom I could talk about the LoTR and Orwell and Bradbury, plus he is reading Murakami(at my suggestion)but to have that someone also be so CUTE that a law should be passed is just too much to ask for. I know that I shouldn't get too excited (and I've been knocking on wood more than a carpenter lately) but when He finally texted me on Wednesday I almost ran around the kitchen squealing my head off. He wrote "Salutations! This is part zombie Mike" in reference to a message I had sent him on my space. ( he recently had surgery to replace his ACL, I was asking him about his surgery. Because they grafted a ligament from a cadaver I said he was now part zombie.)Is that not one of the cutest things you have ever heard of a boy doing?!!!!He also noticed that I had cut my hair, and said he liked it. He has so far showed real attention to everything I have said, which is also just so damn charming. i.e. my work schedule and other trivial things. All things move towards their ends... so when he brought me home he came in to use the restroom, he petted my cat then washed his hands (allergies...time for kitty to find a new home!)He left and said he had a good time and we should do it again "you're off on Friday, right?" and he would call me. aaaaaaaaaaarggghhhh!!! Plus, the sushi was really good!!!!!!

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This is not a knitting post!

 

I went even further in confirming my reputation as a slut on Tuesday night. Yeah! Something I really needed after that last debacle. I went out to the bar, as usual, '80's dance club night. I was ready to just dance the night away get a little drunk and go home. However, that was not to occur, as we were standing outside talking and smoking, this tall blond guy and I kept giving each other those side ways glances. Inside the girls and I were sitting at the end of the bar, talking to the tender, he was sitting at the middle of the bar. I made eye contact and he "raised his glass" to me and smiled. Several minutes later a friend of his was talking to our group and he came over, ostensibly to bid his friend good night. We were joking about shooting up Splenda(tm) Before leaving he introduced himself to me and said "I'm going to go outside, smoke a cigarette and then go home."
I deliberated for a minute or two, grabbed a fag, went out and asked him for a light. I know that's pretty obvious, but that's the point. It got around to him asking me if I'd like to have a drink somewhere more private. I, of course, agreed. Went into the bar to get my purse and tell the girls I was off to "see this guys apartment". Danny was so cute, she says "what guy? I'm going to come and see!" (o.k. mom!) So we go out, she checks him out, tells me to call and pronounces that I "could take him" if the necessity arose. Well, it did not. But something else sure did!~;> Regular readers will recognise the need to quickly gloss over the next few hours. Turns out he is only 22!!! I felt like a cougar! Any way, had fun. Wasn't GREAT, but was fun.
What it made me sure about is this: I really did like Baby Doughnut. It wasn't just hormones talking. This guy, "Rye", I could take or leave completely. May or may not call him up on Friday, as they say "I'd hit it, again", but I am pretty sure that I don't really like Him (his person) Made me a little sad to realize this, but also relieved. My emotions are true, not just made up to make me feel more human. I guess that is just the chance that must be taken. (I still sometimes feel like sending BD a message. But, as He is the one who tried to annihilate my existence, I can't...)

This has been another exciting installment of "Drunken Fuck or Fuckin' Drunk" tune in again for our next episode (hopefully soon!!!If they clear up the writers strike!!!)

...so that makes you a cunt.
No, I'm not really going to say that to someone, but I am reacting to my first bad experience post "divorce", and basically the first experience of its type in my life. I don't even want to call it a bad experience. Just confusing. And slightly hurtful. Just the sting of rejection. Not even really rejection. I don't know. I want to move on and not think about it because I have just spent almost a week thinking about it every moment. It's down to every other moment now. Yeah, so, I actually ended up liking my Halloween guy. He was really cute and funny. And so very tall. That might very well be most of the problem. No One has ever made me feel so girly and vulnerable and feminine.  In the end, I just got really over excited about something that I knew was a dead end and he made me feel so desirable, it was addicting. I just need to resolve myself to count it as a learning experience and a small dose of poison that will increase my resistance to larger doses.

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Okay, here's proof that I do still knit sometimes at least. I signed up for the LJ mitten swap community and to kill time until I could get to the yarn store for the "real" mittens, I started these. 12 stitch repeat ripple in stripes of two color ways of variegated yarn. I like the way the pinks and greens are "spring-like" and the frosty blue, brown and olive are "fall-ish" there's a little tiny thumb, because my giftee has tiny hands. I hope she will like these, and I have my ass covered if I can't finish the real gloves in time. Although, if I put some effort into it, there won't be a problem.
and here is the yarn for the Real mittens. It's a little more blue in real life

I went into rite aid tonight and right in front of the store is a display of halloween costume stuff. I am so excited that fall is here, even if it doesn't feel it yet.

What is one food that you refuse to try? Why?
I was going to write about not trying brains, but realized that's kind of cliche and what I really would say is foie gras. I absolutely refuse to eat this, having had several chances, but never the desire. I find the whole subject repugnant. From the way it is created: overfeeding of geese/ducks leading to the engorged fatty liver, to the way it smells and the fact that it quickly looses half its weight as the fat melts out in cooking. Yuck. I don't like liver and I don't like really fatty rich foods, also not really  in love with duck or goose. so, foie gras will always get my veto. yup.

work is killing me. I am seriously considering getting a part time job at 711 and quiting this whole careeer path sh*t. I don't know how much more I can take.

I so don't need drama in my life at this point, and am doing my best to  avoid it in all of its pernicious forms, but it encroaches anyway.  That pARTicular guy that I mentioned in my last post, well, saw him tonight, got some mixed signals...couldn't really stay long enough to decipher all of the messages.
After talking with Miss S, she assured me it would be acceptable to add him on Myspace, and I sent a friend request along with a brief message. Then we went out, to meet him and return the jacket he left at our place. I played it very frosty, failed to acknowledge his presence until I had received liquid reinforcements etc.... He embraced me when I sat at the available bar stool next to him and  we exchanged greetings(the "morning after" he said he felt gross and I said I was sorry, I knew he was talking hangover, but I never let a chance to spread innuendo pass me. So I asked him if he was feeling okay tonight)
It all doesn't matter, emotionally, I DO NOT WANT a boyfriend. But I do want to have a good time, I want to be wanted. I want to not be the rejected. I don't want to be the drunken pseudo fuck, but only because it's so much better when everyone is less drunk. I don't want to feel that guys are running from me in the cold light of morning and sober.
Anyway, long story short. We left the bar early, and I started agonizing, wishing I could retract the friend request. Just so he couldn't reject it, or ignore it. We got home, had a light snack and started watching Sex in the City (which yes, I am the last person in the world to see) I waited until 3:30 to check my Myspace, to find that he had accepted the request but not messaged me back. That's all I wanted (well, almost...;>) I don't care if he is a whore, I aim to be one as well, but it would be nice to have one beautiful guy to whore around with.

On a  more hideous note, watching Sex in the City, the relationship between Miranda and Steve was frighteningly, horrifyingly true to life (even down to the guy's name) It made me sad for a minute, but at least the Steve on the TV had an emotional availability that was lacking in the steve in real life.

Hope you all had fun with this installment of Drunken Fuck or Fucking Drunk!